I Decide….

 I just couldn’t take the routine of waking up, praying and crying at the same time anymore, because I didn’t understand what was going on. I finally had enough and asked God to simply allow my pain to be productive. I didn’t understand the meaning of this when I said it out loud. 

Then I found one of my bible plan on the floor and ‘Deuteronomy 13:15’ appeared. I thought to myself ‘here we go’. So I opened the scripture and it says ‘You must attack that town and completely destroy all its inhabitants, as well as all the livestock’. You see sometimes I feel like God has got jokes! I knew exactly what that scripture meant and I was so desperate to do all those things, but just because I was willing didn’t necessarily mean it would be easy or I was ready. Let me break it down

The town that needs to be attacked is the darkest part of me, I will admit it when all you know is pain and hurt, parts of you begin to turn dark. It is not enough to ask God to clear it out without you also making the effort. The town is a new space I have created inside of me that is filled with anger, bitterness, you name it, and it’s probably all in there. The Holy Spirit ministered to me that in this time of attack, I must attack the dark town with love, light, prayer, peace, and self-acceptance. I cannot attack darkness with more darkness.

The Inhabitants – the inhabitants are those who live in that occupied town, and I know just who they are, the angry friend, the I told you so friend, the not so nice friend, those who hurt you including myself. It was always easier to hold unto the pain than to let the pain play its cause and let it go. I felt like if I allowed the inhabitants to stay in, it meant that I was still in control. But God doesn’t want that for me or you, he sees how much my pain is wrecking me and pulling me in a direction, he didn’t plan for me. I am learning to thank God for the inhabitants because they have showed me what i don't need which has allowed me to recognise true self and character

I’m the kind of person that feels, as though an apology should be given or received before everything and anything seemed real. However, I have learnt that, that attitude is the one thing that will continue to hold you back from where God wants to take you. When you hold on painful or negative energy, it will continue to drain you because you are demanding too much from a situation whereby, you have no control over.

 In fact it showed me that i was allowing my ego to dictate to me, and I really didn’t want this anymore. All I desire is to keep running, running to God because no matter how my attitude keeps me from him? God keeps pulling me closer, though the way he does it may be uncomfortable but he never forces.

It’s easier to be upset at your situation especially when you know, you gave the best of the best but you feel as though nothing good came out of it. But I am here to let you know that you are wrong, something good came out of that, Growth came out of it, protection from God came out of that, Healing came out of that. We may never understand his ways but one thing that we should be comforted by is that, he loves us and wants to fill every single void in us with what he is about and who he is. You may not see it now, but it will reveal itself, and sometimes the growth, protection and healing are not for you but for others. Sometimes the strong must bear the infirmity for the weak.

I no longer ask God to take my pain away because pain takes you to a position where you are able to identify your purpose, I simply ask for strength during my process. I realised I couldn’t attract growth if all I was looking for, was the easy way out or comfort. God uses us how he wants, sometimes we are to be broken to be used, and other times we are to be strong to be used. Either way God has the final say.

We have to see ourselves as vessels of the most high, and with that been said, we cannot be used if we are so filled with anger or bitterness, envy from things that have taken so much from us. We are precious to God, so we need to continue to remind ourselves, of who we are to him.

I don’t know where I am going, or where he is taking me, still I will follow because I refuse to go back.

Shalom